f Humanisticus: Are the Rings of Saturn Jesus' Foreskin?

Wednesday, 4 July 2012

Are the Rings of Saturn Jesus' Foreskin?

As we all know the Church is usually fantastic at prioritising and tackling important issues. For instance, putting the Church's reputation ahead of the well-being of Children, opposing homosexuals instead of tackling poverty, delivering Bibles to Africa instead of much needed supplies, and so on and so forth. Well their knack of tackling important issues goes all the way back to the medieval and renaissance period. One such issue was the mystery of Jesus' foreskin and what had happened to it. As we all know, yet some Christians like to conveniently forget, Jesus was a Jew and like all Jewish boys he was circumcised. This is documented in the historically accurate Bible, Luke 2:21 'on the eighth day, when it was time to circumcise the child, he was named Jesus, the name the angel had given him before he was conceived'. So what happened to the foreskin when it became detached from Jesus? Well it disappeared until the middles ages when several popped up all over Europe: Cathedral of Le Puy-en-Velay, Santiago de Compostela, the city of Antwerp, and churches in Besançon, Metz, Hildesheim, Charroux, Conques, Langres, Fécamp, Calcata, and two in Auvergne. Calcata being the most famous as it stayed there until it was stolen in 1983; and of course all these were accompanied by miracles of some form.  Many theologians argued that all these foreskins were frauds because Jesus' foreskin ascended with him into heaven. But the most interesting theory was put forth by Leo Allatius who proposed in his Die Praeputio Domine Nosri Jesu Christi Diatriba  (A Discussion on the Foreskin of Our Lord Jesus Christ) that the foreskin became the rings of Saturn, which had just recently been observed. So there you have it, Jesus' foreskin is either several relics spread across the whole of Europe or got stuck in Saturn's orbit as it was ascending to heaven. So Jesus was either multi-phallic or hung like a galactic horse. It's good to know that the Church's ability to waste time on the most trivial of matters while also fabricating ridiculous claims isn't a modern invention.

WARNING: This post may contain high levels of sarcasm.

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  1. Sir! You cannot be sarcastic enough! Brilliant blog post. I am working on similar lines: poking fun at the Christers is the best medicine we can give them. I maintain that in order to do this, one has to have a high level of erudition and especially a background in history, science, and religion. You're in the running for Top Guy.

    1. Thanks for the comments. This is my first satirical post, was certainly enjoyable so I might do more.

  2. There is also a lively debate about how many angels can dance on the head of a pin. I thought this kind of nonsense had died in the Middle Ages, but a girl I knew who went to Georgetown University in Washington D.C., said that in one of her classes they were still arguing about that.

  3. Three links on the issue:
    Wikipedia http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/How_many_angels_can_dance_on_the_head_of_a_pin%3F

    The Straight Dope wherein it is argued that this isn't quite correct (although I think he's got it wrong, see next link.

    Ongoing debate in the near recent past on a Catholic Forum.

    1. Thanks, expect a blog post on this soon.

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  5. Jupiter, Uranus and Neptune also have rings. Perhaps Joshua the Bastard had multiple penises like Medieval Satan? We can be sure that comets are unused sperm cells left over from the conception of Jesus the neverwas and the M42 nebula in Orion is Mary's hymen.